“Motherhood can activate insecurity, comparison, and fear of exclusion in ways that feel almost primal.”
The conflict is often subtle, she explains, and as well as exclusion can include gossip and passive-aggressive comments. She says many mothers aren’t sure why they’re being frozen out, which can lead to “shame, confusion, and self-blame”.
For Martina, she says the judgement started before her son, now aged one, was even born.
She had downloaded a social networking app for new and expectant mothers, and began messaging a woman who lived nearby. She thought they were getting on well but, after Martina said she was having an elective C-section, the woman stopped responding to her messages.
“This is why I get so nervous about joining baby groups,” Martina tells the BBC. “Because people are so judgemental.”
But she understands why the mutual support is so valuable, particularly for new mothers like her who have felt socially isolated or suffered postnatal depression.
That isolation is what convinced Rachel, then in her late 20s, to seek out a mums’ group in her area of Virginia, USA.
It came as social invitations she’d usually receive from friends began drying up after she had her first child.