The numbers of adult children and their parents who reconcile is hard to know, but the factors behind success stories are “strikingly consistent” in Cornell’s research, says Pillemer.
Those who managed to reconcile were the parents who could let go of the need for their adult child to apologise or agree on past events, and instead focus on building a future relationship.
“Critically, they also engaged in genuine self-examination about their own role in the estrangement, moving past what I call ‘defensive ignorance’ – that is, where people claim to have no idea why the rift occurred while simultaneously listing a history of conflict,” says Pillemer.
Sending a letter or an email to your estranged child could be a good way to broach the subject of reconciliation, say some therapists.
“The language should be open and not accusatory,” says O’Kane. “I miss spending time with you, I would like us to sort this out.”
That letter needs to be sent with a willingness to listen “and hear that there may be other possibilities outside of the story I am telling”.
In some cases, reconciliation might be partial – being able to go to the same family functions and be civil, for example. Or it may not be possible at all.
Sandra, in her 60s and from Wolverhampton has been estranged from her son for three years.
She “never really hit it off” with his girlfriend, she says, and things came to a head when she found out via Facebook that a family celebration had taken place without her, but had included the girlfriend’s parents.
“It really upset me to see the photos of everyone together having fun and probably laughing at me sat indoors,” she says.
The mum-of-three made some comments beneath the post which were met with fury by her son and some other family members. The pair had a late-night argument, which Sandra realised towards the end had been broadcast on speakerphone.
“I do regret what I posted and I know it was wrong – but I don’t think I deserve all this,” she says. “I’ve tried to make contact with my son more than once, but he refuses to reply.”
For Danni and Jordan, there were three crucial steps to reconciling: not being defensive, realising their reconciliation might take time, and understanding there needed to be boundaries.
Jordan is now happily married and has become a parent herself. She is moving house soon and Danni will be flying in to help pack her daughter’s life into boxes.
They will have fun along the way, says Jordan.
“Before now, I couldn’t imagine wanting her around during such a stressful time. Now, I am so thankful that she can come.”