Hospitality is in a right state at the moment, what with the seemingly never-ending shitshow of rising rents and rates, extortionate VAT, higher staffing, produce and utility costs, and all those other well-documented socioeconomic pressures (don’t mention the Bre*it word, please). So the last thing those of us who work in this beleaguered industry need right now is to be kicked in the proverbials by the very people we rely on perhaps more than anyone. And, yes, by that I mean you, our lovely customers. So here is some advice on how to avoid infuriating your serving staff.
Turn up …
Pre-Covid, most restaurants didn’t have the balls to take card details or charge for late cancellations and no-shows, but that’s all changed now (thank God). If you buy a ticket to the football or a gig, say, you’ll be out of pocket if you can’t be arsed to turn up. Why should restaurants be any different? What’s more, even if we have charged you a cancellation fee, remember that we’ve still lost out on drink sales and service charge.
… and turn up on time
You’d be surprised how many people seem oblivious to the fact that a restaurant is a business, just like any other. If you’ve booked dinner for 7pm and show up half an hour late, don’t be surprised or, worse, turn all bolshie on us when we try to bum-rush you out of the door at 9pm. We’ve got another booking for that table, and sod’s law dictates that they will show up on time.
Don’t stick your chewing gum under the table
Yes, really. You’d hope that people would have grown out of this by the time they leave secondary school, but I’ve never, ever worked a floor – even Michelin-starred ones – where I haven’t had to scrape used gum off the underside of tables on an almost daily basis. Why can’t you just ask me for a tissue or, better still, put the offending object in the bin yourself? You wouldn’t do it at home (hopefully), so don’t do it at my place of work, either.
Speak up if something’s wrong …
As in all walks of life, stuff sometimes just goes wrong (though whether that’s our fault or yours is often up for debate), so don’t smile meekly and mumble “fine” when we ask if everything’s OK. Hospitality folk are people-pleasers, otherwise there’s no way we’d be in this godforsaken game, and we’re more than happy to do our best to put things right. Plus, you never know: you may even get a free dish or glass of wine on us (or on our boss, but don’t tell).
… and don’t go online to complain
Don’t keep stumm on the night only to log on to TripAdvisor three months down the line, usually after you’ve had one too many, to give us a one-star review and whinge about a dish that’s not even on the sodding menu any more.
Be clear about dietary needs
AKA work on your communication skills. There’s a reason we ask “Any dietaries?” when people book (we don’t want you to die on us, because that’s not the best look for either of us), not least because we don’t have a magical endless larder that can miraculously cater to every need. Much as you’d never dream of going to a vegetarian restaurant and asking them to cook you a steak, don’t expect us to be able to come up with a bespoke vegan, gluten-free, pulse-intolerant, mushroom-averse meal at the drop of a hat.
Stand by your request
If, say, you’ve asked for your steak well done, don’t blame the chef when it turns out to be a bit, well, tough. That’s 100% on you.
Leave the clearing-up to me
Believe it or not, there’s an art to clearing a table that can get thrown out of whack if, for example, you hand me your empty plates or pile everyone’s dirty cutlery on the same platter. Yes, I know you’re trying to help, bless, but you’re actually doing the opposite.
Don’t dissect the bill at the table
Few things are more excruciating than listening to grown adults quibble over how many olives, slices of bread or whatever each of them ate, then argue the toss about their fair share of the bill. Stop it already. You’re embarrassing yourself. And me. (See also larger groups who can’t just split it and sort things out between themselves later, instead of wasting their time and mine doing complex mathematical calculations on the spot, often while tipsy.)
Above all, don’t be rude
I will never understand why some people apparently think the best way of getting what they want is to be downright obnoxious. If you’re disrespectful, raise your voice or treat me like your servant, do you honestly expect me to go out of my way to make sure you have a good time?