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To the neutral NBA fan, there’s nothing more insufferable than a happy Knicks fan. Knicks fans shouldn’t be happy, they should be crying and whining and furiously shaking their fists as Michael Jordan or Reggie Miller or Trae Young or Tyrese Haliburton rip the soul out of Madison Square Garden.
That’s how things have historically gone for the Knicks, and why cute things like “Bing bong!” have filled their fans’ social media feeds for years. They’ve been looking for something to hold on to, anything, after decades of irrelevance – until the arrival of their saviour, gritty point guard Jalen Brunson, in 2022.
Courtside celebrities have made the New York Knicks’ finals run a must-see event. The Sydney Morning Herald
But the natural order of things has shifted and New York’s Knickerbockers (they’re named after old-time undies) now find themselves one game up in the NBA Finals against the San Antonio Spurs – aka The World’s Team – led by French string bean (or should that be haricot) Victor Wembanyama.
It’s the team’s first appearance in the NBA Finals in 27 years, since the Patrick Ewing-led Knicks lost in five games to Tim Duncan’s Spurs in 1999. And, as they chase their first title in 53 years, New York has understandably lost its collective mind.
Tickets to the series have been described as “the most expensive in NBA history”, with nosebleed seats for Games 3 and 4 at Madison Square Garden starting at $US3700 ($5200) and courtside ones going for a mind-melting $US300,000 ($421,000). Even at those prices, the Knicks’ courtside celebrity row has become the hottest place to be seen, filled with more famous people than an Elton John party.
Suddenly, everyone wants to flamboyantly wave their Knicks-centric bona fides. But no one likes a bandwagon fan, and some celebrities are more deserving than others. Let’s rank them from blow-ins to diehards, shall we?
16: Jimmy Fallon
Not content with being late night’s most annoying host, Jimmy Fallon’s now taken his “I’m buzzed from decaf!” energy to the Garden floor. Which is interesting considering he famously dabbled with the crosstown Brooklyn Nets at the height of the Knicks’ post-Linsanity dysfunction. Get in the nosebleeds with Mamdani until you’ve earned your suffering, Fallon.
15: Anne Hathaway
You’ve got to respect Anne Hathaway’s commitment to being part of the conversation (any conversation). Now that the Knicks are headline news, she’s out here repeating the same anecdote about her run-in with OG Anunoby to any outlet that will listen. We all know you were raised in New Jersey, Annie.
14: Jason Bateman and Jason Sudeikis
Look, it’s too many Jasons and I have no time for Jasons.
Is this a Knicks game or a Jason convention?Getty Images
13: Mariska Hargitay
When not investigating horrific sex crimes on Law and Order: SVU, the real-life Olivia Benson is now courtside watching the Knicks play. I don’t know what’s worse.
12: Ethan Hawke
I feel for Ethan Hawke: the lifelong Knicks fan says he had his courtside pass revoked by James Dolan after he publicly criticised the much-despised Knicks owner for his years of mismanagement. He was all but forced to switch his allegiance to the Brooklyn Nets, but he earns a place in the Knicks pantheon simply for instigating the most important courtside shot ever – that time he forced his kid to swap seats so he could flirt with Rihanna.
11: Dustin Hoffman
Now that Woody Allen’s uninvited, Hoffman might be celebrity row’s final remaining link to ’70s cinema, which is a significant fact that perhaps only I care about. But I’m docking points since he spends as much time courtside in Los Angeles at Lakers games.
10: Edie Falco
Back in 2010, the Knicks thought they could entice LeBron James to join their team by reuniting Carmela (Falco) and Tony (James Gandolfini) from The Sopranos for a recruitment video (it should be noted, the video also featured Harvey Weinstein and Donald Trump). It failed dismally but what I’m saying is Edie Falco – New York downtown screen icon – has earned her courtside seat.
9: Chris Rock, Jon Stewart and Adam Sandler
I’m lumping all these guys together ’cause really, how much of this do you actually want to read? We all love Adam Sandler and his big shorts, but there’s just too many celebrities at Knicks games.
8: Susie Essman and Larry David
Watching the Curb Your Enthusiasm pair courtside is a privilege, mainly because you can picture Larry tripping up Karl-Anthony Towns the same way he did Shaquille O’Neal (he was famously banned from Lakers games for 22 years after that incident).
7: Timothee Chalamet and Kylie Jenner
Timmy’s lore suggests he’s a lifelong Knicks fan who spent his childhood in the nosebleeds, and his anecdotes – from reminiscing with Carmelo Anthony about his infamous brawl with Mardy Collins in 2006 to winning a meet-and-greet with Landry Fields in 2010 – back it up. But it’s pretty convenient that his public fandom coincides so closely with the Knicks’ mid-’20s glow-up. We’ll see if he’s still there when the Knicks are back to battling for 15 wins in 2034. As for Kylie, her support is cute – and motivated by wonderful self-interest – but girl, don’t you have your own hobbies? Even Posh Spice barely bothered with David’s games, and he was in them.
6: Tracy Morgan and Tina Fey
These regular Tracy Jordan and Liz Lemon 30 Rock reunions are one of the few beautiful things to ever happen at a Knicks game. But it’s unfortunate that Timothee’s out here manspreading Fey right off her courtside seat.
Move over, Timothee, Tina Fey needs some space too.Getty Images
5: Ben Stiller
You know Ben Stiller’s earned his place on the Knicks’ celebrity row because his Twitter account is literally a public record of meltdowns charting decades of humiliating defeat. His social media posts from the Knicks’ franchise-worst 2018-19 season (they went 17-65) could rival Russian literature for misery.
4: Fat Joe
The Terror Squad rapper has been a celebrity row staple for decades, bringing Spanish swearing – and hip-hop buddies like 50 Cent and Ja Rule – to the Knicks’ courtside. Back in the 2010s, he furiously resisted the Nets’ encroachment on the Knicks’ basketball territory (“If you’re a true Knicks fan, you just don’t jump on their bandwagon,” he told The New York Times in 2012) and he’s featured in more recruitment videos for the team than the Empire State Building (watching him beg Kevin Durant to come to the Knicks in 2019 brings both joy and pity).
3: John McEnroe
I’m almost certain the tennis icon lives in Madison Square Garden. Years ago, during a trip to New York, I went to a St John’s college basketball game at MSG and McEnroe was in the front row. The following night I returned to watch a New York Rangers ice hockey game and McEnroe was there again. You cannot be serious, John McEnroe.
John McEnroe and his daughter at home at a Knicks game in Madison Square Garden.AP
2: Martha Stewart
The ex-convict’s been a Knicks fan since the ’60s and recalls being at the Garden for the team’s last championship wins in 1970 and 1973, which disproves my theory that they were hoaxes. Stewart recently revealed that during the Knicks’ failed playoffs run against the Indiana Pacers last season, Jalen Brunson landed on her foot and broke her toe – but she took complete blame for wearing open-toed sandals courtside. That’s the correct level of commitment to celebrity row.
Spike Lee, the most deserving Knicks fan on Earth.AP Photo/Tim Phillis
1: Spike Lee
Cut Spike Lee and he’d bleed orange and blue (please don’t cut Spike Lee). The filmmaker has been trash-talking opposing teams from his courtside seats since 1985, Patrick Ewing’s rookie year, and he doesn’t even do freebies: his seats reportedly cost him $US340,000 ($477,000) annually, and so far his return on investment has been the iconic indignity of getting choked out by Reggie Miller. For his masochistic dedication to Knicks-related pain and suffering, Spike deserves a Finals win, his own championship ring, and the sacrificial blood of Wemby in a bejewelled goblet.
Game Two of the NBA Finals airs on ESPN on Saturday at 10.30am.
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Robert Moran is Spectrum deputy editor at The Sydney Morning Herald.Connect via email.From our partners