Photo-Illustration: Joe McKendry; Photo: Michael Buckner/Variety via Getty Images
The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions designed by the beloved comedian to unearth surprising truths about its respondents. In this edition, you’ll learn about Jake Johnson, the actor and filmmaker best known for playing Nick Miller in the beloved Fox sitcom New Girl from 2011 to 2018. He can currently be seen in The Dink, out July 24 on Apple TV+.
I really try to not eat before bed as I age because I am, for the first time in my life, getting concerned about health. There’s an age I’m trying to get to where it’s a little less cute to be snacking all the time. I associate snacking with kids. I don’t want to be 58 and be like, “I got my hand caught in the cookie jar again!,” so I’m trying not to eat after around 6 or 6:30 p.m, or as soon as dinner’s over.
But what would I like to eat before bed? Sandwiches and spaghetti. What would I like to drink? Anything in front of me. I used to have a saying with Max Greenfield at New Girl: “If it’s not nailed down, I’ll eat it.”
I do make up my own. I was not raised with any sort of religion, but I was raised with the idea of spirituality and that it ain’t random that we’re here. So I would say my religion is totally made up, and it’s pretty great. It’s wildly forgiving. We’re all here together, there is a connection that goes through all of us, and while we’re on this rock, we should do as much good as we can and have as much fun as we can. There’s a tally of your actions, and karma matters, and the energy of the universe — or whatever term you want to use for it — pays attention and will give to you if you’re doing good on behalf of the energy of the universe. And if you’re not, that tidal wave’s gonna knock you on your ass, boy.
Chicken sausages, but with the outside casing being too small for the amount of meat on the inside. But really good quality. You’ll be like, “That tastes good. There’s just too much meat for that casing!” I’m not positive it’s gonna sell. It’s the type of thing that, whenever anybody cooks it, they’ll go like, “Ah, it popped out! It’s not even a hot dog anymore. It’s just kind of mush.” But then I’ll go, “So what, man? Eat it that way. Just put it in the goddamn bun.” And that’s the end of the commercial.
I dropped out of high school when I was 15 and then went back, so it took me five years to get through it. So my long-term fear is that I haven’t got the credits to quite graduate, I have to go back at my age now, I’m walking through those hallways, and I’m like, Oh my God, I got to get to history class. It’s a nightmare, and I wake up feeling anxious.
The other one I have is that I’m in a play, and it’s very real, and I don’t remember my lines. I keep asking for the sides, but I can’t find the person who’s supposed to give me the sides. My part in the play is coming up sooner and sooner, and I have this realization of, I’m never getting those fucking sides.
I moved my mother from Chicago to Los Angeles. She’s an OG of mine. I like to say that she was the first place I ever lived. She’s a hermit and she’s not a big socializer, so before I got her here, she wouldn’t answer calls a lot. She wasn’t that interested in connecting with old Jakey J. So it’s nice to have Eve back in my life. She’s been a lot of fun.
But she hates L.A., and she thinks the house I put her in is haunted. She refers to the house as “the bitch,” and she’ll say, “The bitch isn’t gonna beat me!” Or she’ll say things like, “I got to learn to walk in this city,” and I’ll go, “Why?” and she’ll go, “The sidewalks aren’t even normal here!” Then I’ll go, “I hear you, but I think the sidewalks are normal,” and she’ll say, “Yeah, but you don’t know.” She’s like, “Even the Home Depot is worse here!” She’ll start saying the prices are too expensive at Home Depot, and I’m like, “It’s the same!”
The last thing I read was a text chain about a movie that we’re in postproduction on — I don’t think it has been announced yet — and we’re doing the producer cut as we speak. I was involved in it before I left, so I’m getting updates from the writer, director, and the other producer in the edit bay about what is happening with a sequence of the movie that we’re all excited about. I’m really curious where they’re at today, so whenever I look at my phone, I’m seeing updates. I think it’s a very important sequence for the movie, and I’m really hoping they crack it.
I used to buy everything used. When I was in high school, we moved right next to a Salvation Army in Evanston, so I got all my clothes from there, a bunch of my artwork, and a bunch of the stuff that I still carry around with me. But I’m trying to think now about when the last time was that I even bought something besides food. And you can’t buy used food — that’s disgusting.
I can’t remember. I’m spending a lot of money, but I’m not at an age where I’m buying stuff. I’m not into like, “Man, I just got the new such-and-such.” Even my phone’s an iPhone 12 or an iPhone 11. I’m a big believer in “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.” But then I’ll be looking at somebody’s phone and I’ll go, “Dude, your photos are so much prettier than mine.” And they’re like, “Well, look at your phone, dude.”
Probably my sister. She gives advice after I ask her not to give advice, and I don’t necessarily think the advice is helpful. It’s a recurring theme. I’ll go, “I hear you. Thank you.” And she’ll go, “But keep in mind …” And I’ll go, “I hear you. I don’t agree,” and she’ll go, “Yeah, but keep in mind …” We’ve been having that conversation for about 30 years.
High school. Even if they asked me to give a speech, I’m not interested. I don’t feel negatively about it, I just don’t have any interest in giving speeches at schools. I don’t really like giving speeches. I’m an actor, I’m a producer, I’m a writer. I don’t have anything to say besides selling the movies. The only people I could make a speech for was a bunch of people who want to act. But even then, there’s a way I like to act that’s specific, so I could only give a speech to a room full of mes, and a room full of mes would not go to watch me make a speech.
My brother would take me in forever. My buddy, Eric Edelstein, the great actor — he was on The Boroughs and in Green Room — he would take me in forever, even when he’s mad at me. He’s mad at me right now, but he would still take me in. My wife would take me in no matter what. My mom would take me in sometimes. And that’s enough. If you got a few people, I think you’re lucky.
There are shows I absolutely adore, but I don’t want to be in them because then they would be less perfect because they already exist. I loved Cheers. I loved The Sopranos. I loved The Larry Sanders Show. I loved the British Office. I loved Bottle Rocket. I loved Rushmore. I loved Stand by Me. I loved The Deer Hunter. I loved Platoon. But I don’t want to be in any of those. The fantasy is what I’ve lived: I got to watch them at some point.
Well, I don’t have any gnarly addictions these days, which is nice. I’ve got the booze under control. Cigarettes are dead to me. The idea of smoking a cigarette is insane. I’ve gone through my vaping period. I’ll never do that again. I quit before my kids were born, and they’re 12 now, so it was a while ago.
Honestly, I did it because I thought I looked cool. Anybody who says they do that for any other reason is lying. So then I started thinking, If everybody knows I’m just doing this to look cool, that’s so much less cool. And I’m, in fact, killing myself! Dying of lung cancer or emphysema is not a cute way to go. So now when I see that cool girl vaping or that hot guy smoking, I’m like, You might be willing to give yourself emphysema for this moment around these people at a bowling alley? And then the other thought that started getting in my head is, The companies that make this hate me! They’re trying to kill me. I don’t want to give money to companies that hate me. Those concepts started sitting in my head, and then as I got older, I finally said, This is insane.
So I’ll say snacking. You know what I really wish? I don’t want to take Ozempic, but I wish that I got full easily and I just liked to eat healthy food.
It would be a total stranger. I’d be sitting on the subway, and somebody who just looks like a regular old Plain Jane, I would just step in between their ears and hear everything.
I’m a huge people watcher. I’m obsessed with people. I’ve always found the human zoo of it all so fascinating. It’s what got me into plays. I find us so funny and odd. I think we’re all lying and trying to act so much more put-together and brave and heroic and socialized than we are. So anytime somebody opens up and you get a true moment — which is what’s so funny about alcohol, when you get what somebody’s really thinking — that, to me, is my favorite. And that’s what’s been fun about the internet. People just put things out, and you get to see them alone expressing their thoughts.
Somebody reached out and offered me a free dinner at some restaurant, so I went there last night with some old friends, and the second I walked in, I regretted it and thought, This place is terrible. I should have just paid for dinner. I was like, I’m still gonna give a bunch of money for the tip, because the wait staff is still working hard, so why are we eating this disgusting fish? We could have just gone anywhere! We’re in New York City! And my buddies were teasing me. My old friends were there, and they were all like, “Cool place, man.”
With free stuff, I have a little bit of a Great Depression–era mentality. I come from a bunch of people who are just grinders who try to make a a dollar out of 50 cents. My uncle Eddie lived with us when he was having legal problems, and we would sell neon signs. He was always figuring out, not illegal schemes, but just how can you make something out of nothing. When I first got on television, I was back home at Thanksgiving, and Eddie was like, “Hey, man, will you sign these movies for me?” And I was like, “Sure. You want my signature?” As I was doing it, he was taking photos, and I was like, “You little snake! You’re gonna try to sell these on eBay, you little rat.” And so that is in my DNA, and it’s something I love.
I’m jealous of my wife’s kindness and pace. She knows how to pace herself through life in a way that I don’t. I’m jealous of my brother’s natural likability and charm. He’s like the mayor of the world. I’m jealous of my mother. In an old village, she would be like the wise old wizard lady. She just has really wild instincts.
Brown and grayish. I could be forgetting something, but I never bleached it. I remember I played Prince on New Girl. I don’t know if they dyed it or put me in a wig, but it was in a flashback, and me and Lamorne Morris were both dressed like Prince. I don’t remember shooting it, but I remember a photo from Georgie, who ran hair and makeup. She had that up for a while. Actually, if I could take a brain ride in someone else’s consciousness, I might change my answer from Plain Jane to Prince.
I love the United States, first and foremost. I am somebody who’s quite proud of the country that I come from, and I don’t want to leave. I love Los Angeles, especially. David Lynch talks about the beauty of L.A. and the light of L.A., and how he felt free in L.A. and how there is a magic to it, and I feel that in Los Angeles.
But if I had to leave the States, I’d go to the mountains of Costa Rica. I think the Costa Rican way of life is incredible. I was out there when I was 17 for a few months, and I got a sense of how people lived out there. I was just back out there with my family, and we were hiking around the rainforest with a guy who owned this beautiful land, and that kind of Tico mentality is just good living.
I ended up liking him, but there was a period of time I didn’t like my father, and he taught me that my business is not a team sport but an individual sport. I used to think of it as a team sport, and I didn’t like his take, but I learned later in life that he was right, and then I also learned later in life that I really liked him.
He said it about show business. When you act as part of an ensemble, I came up on the notion that you’re only as good as your scene partner, so don’t try to steal a scene. And that’s the way I like to act. But once that job ends, that’s not your team anymore; now you’re back to being an individual. I originally wanted to be in a group — a sketch group or a comedy group — where we worked together over and over, have no outsiders come in, and just do our stuff. He was the guy who taught me that’s not reality.
I had overnight oats with some flaxseed, some Ka’Chava protein powder, some hot water, and black coffee on ice. That’s every day, jack.
Something that was really funny to me is a joke, and I’ll try to do the fastest version of it possible: There’s a guy who works at the gorilla house at the zoo, and one day, a scientist comes to him and says, “We’re looking to do a big study on bestiality. It’s $1,000, but we want to see what happens when somebody has sex with the gorillas.” And the guy goes, “Jesus Christ!” The scientist says, “We think you’d be perfect, because the gorillas trust you and you trust the gorillas.” He’s like, “Jesus! Only $1,000?” He thinks a bit more, and then says, “All right, I’ll do it, but under three conditions. One: You never tell anybody. It never leaks. It is anonymous. Two: No matter what, my wife and family can never find out. And three: I’m gonna need at least a month to come up with the money.” I always found that really funny. I don’t think about it a lot, but I love that joke.
My friends and I will still tell each other street jokes occasionally. You know who I do that with? Michael Cera. He and I are old friends for 20 years now, and every once in a while we’ll sit down and have an old-school joke-off.
I don’t think violence is funny. If somebody falls really hard and really fucks up their shoulder, there’s a whole generation of young people laughing, but I’ll be like, I think they really hurt their shoulder. But to contradict that, I do think Jackass is funny because they’re choosing it. But I think if somebody’s walking and they get hit really hard, my instinct is not to laugh. I get a stomachache.
I think my family is beautiful.
Relationships where the intentionality is not pure — where somebody’s pretending it’s one thing, but it’s something else. Once you see that, you go, Man, I thought you were one thing, but you’re actually this. I find that very ugly.
I will work forever because I love it. Money was a driving factor for a long part of my job, and I thought once I hit a certain number, I would stop. But then I hit that number and realized that I get so much joy from working. I like viewing movies and TV shows like puzzles, where you’re trying to put something together. If it’s from an original idea, like in The Dink, then I’m trying to figure out, as an actor, how to do this tone with all these different actors. Every scene has a tone, and every project has a feeling, and there’s moments where the joke is supposed to hit, and that to me feels like an endlessly fun puzzle. If the business fades away, or if I get kicked out and nobody’s interested in seeing me anymore, I will keep working and doing something, because I like to keep my brain really busy.
There was a school shooting at my school growing up, so for years I thought it was going to be a school shooting or somebody coming into a situation with a gun. At this point, I don’t know. My wife thinks a heart attack. I’m really trying to make health changes, because I don’t sleep a lot. So my wife is like, “Just don’t be one of those fucking guys who keels over after a certain amount of time.” Whatever it is, I’m gonna try to get on top of it and keep adjusting. My brother and I have a thing where we’re each trying to get to 100 years old together, so I hope it’s of natural causes in my sleep a long time from now.
But I am deeply not afraid of dying. I don’t think death is a bad thing. I am a believer that what’s next is going to be so spectacular that it makes this thing feel like Atari, where it seems so basic. But I want to be here as long as I can, because I think this is a great ride.
See All