The Gloves Are Off | “I Absolutely Love That Colbert Got Fired” | Trump & Epstein’s Wonderful Secret

The Gloves Are Off | “I Absolutely Love That Colbert Got Fired” | Trump & Epstein’s Wonderful Secret

Welcome one and all to the late show. I’m your host, Stephen Colbear. Listen, I’m gonna go ahead. Thank you very much, folks. Uh, I’m gonna go ahead and say it. Cancel culture has gone too far. You You may have heard the news. Last week, we learned that The Late Show will be ending in May. And I want to Thank you. I want to I want to thank everybody who reached out to me over the weekend, including one text from an unknown number offering a high-paying IT work from home job for only two to three hours a day. Yes, I am very interested and I will be sending you my routing number in May. Daddy needs a job. Over uh over the weekend, uh it sunk in uh that they’re killing off our show, but they made one mistake. They left me alive. What just happened? What just happened? Did I black out? Was he here? And now [Applause] And now And now for the next 10 months, the gloves are off. I can finally Yeah. I can finally speak unvarnished truth to power and say what I really think about Donald Trump starting right now. I don’t care for him. Doesn’t seem to have like the skill set. Doesn’t have the skill set to be president, you know. Just not a good fit, that’s all. People people have been speculating about the timing of this decision from uh Paramount and they’re pointing out the last Monday just two days before my cancellation I delivered a blistering monologue in which I showed the courage to have a mustache. I mean obviously CBS saw my upper lip and boom cancelled. Coincidence? Oh, I think not. This is worse than fascism. This is stashism. All right. That’s why the Pringles guy lost his show. Didn’t know that. No. Yeah. Pringles guy doesn’t have a show anymore. Break it. Wow. So that’s it. I’m gone. Just like in May. But don’t worry, this beautiful theater will live on as the historic Ed Sullivan self storage. Put your old records where the Beatles performed. CBS, our network CBS, uh, who I want to reiterate have always been great partners, put out a statement saying a very, you know, very nice things about me and about the show. And, uh, thank you to them for that. They clarified that the cancellation was purely a financial decision. But how how could it purely be a financial decision if The Late Show is number one in ratings? A lot of folks Yeah. You know, it’s it’s confusing. A lot of folks are asking that question, mainly my staff’s parents and spouses. Well, over the weekend, somebody at CBS followed up their gracious press release with a gracious anonymous leak, saying they pulled the plug on our show because of losses pegged between 40 million and $50 million a year. 40 million is a big number. I could see us losing $24 million, but where would Paramount have possibly spent the other 16 million? Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. I did. I’ll call you. I’ll call you like that. Still, that’s that’s still a lot of money. I mean, where does the Late Show rank, Jim? What other companies lost that kind of money last year? Red Lobster. Damn it. I told them we should stop offering the audience unlimited shrimp. Maya Maya, take it away. Take it away. So, with those numbers, it it I got to say it makes sense we’d be cancelled. I get it, guys. And and thanks again. Okay, thanks again to the network. In a completely unrelated story, on Friday, Donald Trump posted, “I absolutely love that Co Bear got fired. His talent was even less than his ratings. How dare how how dare you, sir? Would an untalented man be able to compose the following satirical witism? Go yourself. Anyway, anyway, anyway, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. He uh the the president went on, I hear Jimmy Kimmel is next. Nope. No, no, absolutely not. Kimmel, I am the martyr. Okay. Okay. There there’s only room for one on this cross. And I got to tell you, the view is fantastic from up here. I can see your house. Look, I promise I’ll have more to say about all this after the commercial break over there. Be sure to stick around for that. Um, the only other story out there, it’s kind of a small one. The president was buddies with a pedophile. Um, on on Friday, the Wall Street Journal dropped an absolute bombshell. They are reporting that in 2003, Trump sent a birthday letter to Jeffrey Epstein for his 50th birthday that was sexually suggestive. Yeah, it’s the most inappropriate birthday gift since Carll debuted Fudgy the hung like a whale. Now, according according according according to the Wall Street Journal, Trump’s letter featured several lines of typewritten text framed by the outline of a naked woman, which appears to be handdrawn with heavy marker. In the drawing, a pair of small arcs denotes the woman’s breasts, and the future president’s signature is a squiggly Donald below her waist, mimicking pubic hair. Do you know what that means? That means Donald Trump has drawn pubic hair on every executive order. That’s That is not Is that legal? Is that legal? Auto pen. Auto cube. What is that? As terrible using your signature to signify pubic hair is not a behavior befitting a president with a possible exception of President Bush. But that’s it. As strange as it sounds, as strange as it could be, as as strange as that sounds, the typewritten part of the letter is even stranger because it appears to be sort of a short creepy screenplay between Trump and Ebstein that goes voice over. There must be more to life than having everything. Yes, there is. But I won’t tell you what it is. Nor will I since I also know what it is. We have certain things in common, Jeffrey. Yes, we do. Come to think of it. Enigmas never age. Have you noticed that? As a matter of fact, it was clear to me the last time I saw you. A pal is a wonderful thing. Happy birthday, and may every day be another wonderful secret. Wow, that is not only weird and creepy, that is pure absurdest dialogue. It reminds me of the end of Waiting for GDAU. Well, shall we go? Yes, let’s go. They sneak into a teen beauty pageant dressing room. Wow. Wow. Trump was big mad about this letter coming out and he offered this ironclad excuse. This is not me. I never wrote a picture in my life. No, it’s true, folks. Listen up. I never wrote a picture. I never painted a novel. I never I never baked a song. And my brain is not melting and pooling up around my swollen ankles. That’s That’s the cankles. Technically technically technically technically it’s a cankle. It’s a cankle. For the record, he has wrote a picture, many pictures. Here’s one of the New York skyline. Here’s the Empire State Building. And I believe his signature there at the bottom is also meant to suggest pubic hair. He’s so mad. He’s so mad that in response to the story, Trump is suing Rert Murdoch for $10 billion. Good luck with that, Donald. You can’t sue a dead man for defamation. I’m what? But what about my face and organs? Crikey, Trump’s having a hard time. No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Trump’s having a hard time proving he and Epste weren’t buddies because according to those who knew them at the time, the two men bonded over a common interest in hitting on and competing for attractive young women at parties. Okay, but maybe they’re not friends. Maybe they just have the same hobbies. Honey, creepy Dave and I are not pals. We’re just both avid posters on a Reddit thread called Let Me See You Sit on That Balloon. Another thing, another thing that doesn’t look great. In 1993, Trump reportedly hosted a party at Mara Lago for young women in a so-called calendar girl competition, and Epstein was the only other guest. Okay. Okay. Okay. That’s not right. If there’s only one person invited, that’s not a party. That’s an appointment for something. There’s a reason you don’t say, “Hey, Dr. Chang just invited me to a pretty wild rager. There’s going to be drugs and butt stuff. It’s a colonoscopy. I’m getting I’m getting a colonoscopy. I got to go upstairs and drink the stuff. We got a great show for you tonight. My guests are Sandra O and Dave Franco. When we come back, I’ll share a few more feelings about the annual late show. Stick around. Heat. Heat. [Applause] [Music]

For the next ten months Stephen Colbert can finally speak unvarnished truth to power, including in response to the president’s post celebrating The Late Show’s cancellation, and about the creepy birthday letter Donald Trump sent to his good pal Jeffrey Epstein.

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Stephen Colbert brings his signature satire and comedy to THE LATE SHOW with STEPHEN COLBERT, the #1 show in late night, where he talks with an eclectic mix of guests about what is new and relevant in the worlds of politics, entertainment, business, music, technology and more. Featuring bandleader Louis Cato and “THE LATE SHOW band,” the Peabody Award-winning and Emmy Award-nominated show is broadcast from the historic Ed Sullivan Theater. Stephen Colbert took over as host, executive producer and writer of THE LATE SHOW on Sept. 8, 2015.