The festive season is usually a time for cosiness and connection. But for some couples, this Christmas might have revealed the cracks in their relationship.
It’s why lawyers call January 5, the first working Monday of the new year, ‘Divorce Day’ as they receive more applications to dissolve marriages than on any other date.
But, the red flags of relationship doom aren’t always obvious. Having worked with thousands of clients as a divorce coach, I know the signs can be subtle.
Of course, don’t panic if it’s just one – even the most devoted husband can have a bad day – but if you recognise most or all of these behaviours in your spouse, be warned.
He chose your Christmas present carefully
It can be a red flag that his gift to you was last minute.
But often he’s chosen your present carefully. It’s what he’s chosen that’s upsetting.
The same gift as last year (he’s forgotten.) Beautiful lingerie – two sizes too small – just cruel.
Divorce coach Sara Davison says the red flags of relationship doom aren’t always obvious
As one client opened her gift – it was a voucher for a stylist to take her shopping at a big store – her husband leant over and said, ‘What is it?’
He added that he’d got his PA to sort it – and he hadn’t even bothered to ask the PA what she’d got.
He hates having his picture taken
One client told me her husband wouldn’t be in a single Christmas picture with her. He made excuses, or walked away, though he’d happily take photos of her and the children.
When someone is imagining life without you, they stop wanting to capture a life with you. They don’t want to be in the present moment. He’s moved on.
It’s also why some men avoid discussing future plans as a couple – if the subject is raised, they go silent.
He forgot to buy the cranberry jelly 
You distinctly remember him agreeing to pick up the festive cranberry jelly, but now he denies all knowledge. You realise he’s not lying – he just wasn’t listening
If you try to have a chat, or ask him to do something, it feels like pushing boulders uphill. He zones out. He’s mentally absent.
You distinctly remember him agreeing to pick up the festive cranberry jelly, but now he denies all knowledge. (‘What are you talking about?’).
You realise he’s not lying – he just wasn’t listening. Your needs are not a priority for him. Emotional distance is one of the earliest signs that your partner has checked out.
He’s acting like Kevin the Teenager
You feel like you’re boring him. You sensed his reluctance around your holiday rituals – decorating the tree, having a festive movie night, or the neighbours round for drinks.
He’s like a dog being dragged to the vet. It’s confusing. Perhaps he’s just fed up of the neighbours and wants to relax? Entirely possible!
The clue that it’s a relationship problem is if it’s not Christmas-related stress – his permanent irritation is with you. If he’s disengaged from the marriage, your bonding rituals feel like a burden. He’s not telling you, he’s passively aggressively showing you.
You feel physically tense around him
The pressure of Christmas can cause spats between even the happiest couples – but this year you couldn’t shake off a persistent feeling of dread when your husband was near.
Some women feel a tightening in their throat or chest – it’s an instinctive stress response when you’re walking on eggshells around someone who is being emotionally dishonest.
He takes no responsibility
You know if you say, ‘What’s going on?’, it will come down to something you’ve done – you spent too much, you overcooked the sprouts. He makes you feel like you’re the problem: ‘I can’t deal with your drama.’
There’s no compromise, accountability or working things through. He makes you doubt yourself. (‘Am I too sensitive?’).
It’s not the truth, which is why it’s confusing. He’s re-writing the narrative – ultimately it helps justify him leaving you.
He’s out and about – but it’s not an affair
Your drinks with the neighbours got short shrift, but he was keen to be at every other social gathering. From work drinks, meetings with old friends, quick catch-ups to nights out – and you weren’t invited. Previously, he did invite you – at least sometimes.
Some women are certain their husband is having an affair, but he isn’t. He’s just reflecting his desire to emotionally escape the marriage – full-stop. He has been creating space, discovering what his future will be like without you.
From work drinks, meetings with old friends, quick catch-ups to nights out, he was keen to be at every other social gathering – but you weren’t invited. He’s not having an affair – he’s just reflecting his desire to emotionally escape the marriage
Christmas was blissful
Some men become overly agreeable after a rocky patch. The woman is surprised, but delighted. She thinks, ‘We got through it.’
She doesn’t realise he’s being nicer because he’s secretly decided to leave.
There are no rows or conflict – it’s calm, sadly – because he’s disconnected. He’s thinking: ‘This is the last time I’ll ever have to do this, so just smile, get through it.’
Women tell me: ‘We had a lovely Christmas. He was great with me, great with the kids, he bought me a nice present. And two weeks later, he was gone.’
It’s hugely distressing, but help is available. I offer three free weekly online support groups. You aren’t powerless. Don’t suffer alone. And know that next year may be your chance to redesign your life just the way you want it.
Instagram – @saradavisondivorcecoachScrew You, Watch This! How To Recover From Toxic Relationships, by Sara Davison, is available on Amazon.As told to ANNA MAXTED