Elijah, 59
double quotation markOK, you’re volunteering on Tuesday, and I’m going fishing on Thursday, so we’re going to have sex on Monday and Friday
Although Mia and I have been together for nearly three decades, we still have sex almost as often as when we first started dating in the 90s. I’d say we “get friendly” 2.5 times a week on average, which is definitely more than most other couples we know in our age bracket. The key has always been planning; 99 times out of 100, we’ll agree to have sex a day or two in advance, a pattern we established even before we got married. It means we’re never in the awkward position of trying to gauge whether the other person is in the mood.
double quotation markWe’ve perfected our sexual routine now – down to the shower we always have together beforehand
Most weeks, we just look at what we’ve got going on, then arrange sex accordingly – “OK, you’re volunteering on Tuesday, and I’m going fishing on Thursday, so we’re going to have sex on Monday and Friday.” It’s really that simple, and prevents sex from ever falling by the wayside. I’ve never been the uptight, corporate type who obsessively follows a schedule; in fact, I’m pretty laid-back, but in this area of our lives, being organised has reaped massive dividends. On the days when I know we’re going to have sex, it gives me something to look forward to from the moment I wake up – and having a few hours in the evening that are completely blocked out for physical pleasure with no technology or distractions is so good for our mental health.
Sure, sometimes it’s nice to be impulsive, too. Occasionally, if we’re away for the night Mia will offer up a quickie, but it’s rarely as good as prearranged sex at home, where we’ve got all our creature comforts (sex toys and weed), and can really take our time. We’ve perfected our sexual routine now – down to the shower we always have together beforehand – and I’ve lost track of how many times we’ve turned to each other after going through the familiar steps and said: “That’s one of our top five best sessions ever.” Sometimes I hear people complain about “same-old” sex, but our “same-old” is mind-blowing – and when it’s so damn good and somehow just keeps getting better, who needs to change things up?
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double quotation markOne of the joys of having scheduled sex is that we’ve built up a whole ritual around it, which is a source of pleasure in and of itself
I feel a lot of people assume that if you’re planning sex, it’s because you’re in trouble as a couple. For us, it’s the complete opposite. I’ve been in relationships before where the sex became less and less frequent, and I remember thinking: “OK, I’ve got to do this at least once a week, or it’s going to become an issue.” But I’ve never felt that way with Elijah. Having time for sex built into our calendars just means we’re actively carving out space for our desire to flourish and deepen – and the fact that we’ve never gone through a dry spell in nearly 30 years together is a testament to how well it’s worked for us.
double quotation markThere are occasionally nights when we’ve arranged sex, and I’ll struggle to get into the right mood
One of the joys of having scheduled sex is that we’ve built up a whole ritual around it, which is a source of pleasure in itself. On party nights, as we call them, Elijah and I will start by taking a weed gummy at 3pm, then maybe go for a stroll outside, before making a blender full of cocktails at 4.30 – we’re pretty specific with the timings. Then, we’ll maybe play some 90s electronica, dancing and caressing each other for a while, before making our way upstairs to rinse off and get down to it. We’re not into anything crazy – and often return to the same failsafe positions, particularly missionary, again and again.
Of course, there are occasionally nights when I’ll struggle to get into the right mood; maybe the news cycle has been particularly awful that day, or I’m caught up in some minor drama with a friend or colleague. However, I can nearly always get myself into the right headspace with Elijah’s support – and lots of buildup. He never rushes into sex, and really takes his time to push my buttons with foreplay and oral. It’s almost like a challenge for him: how long can I make this last, and how much pleasure can I give? For me, that’s way more of a turn on than any sort of kink.