CRUSHED
A. A reminder: I’m not a mental health professional, so don’t take my thoughts as “diagnosis.”
To me, your friendly relationship journalist, it sounds like you want what you can’t have because it’s safe — and because you like your status quo.
You seem to desire the fantasy of love, as opposed to the real intimacy that comes with someone you can’t script. You can imagine these guys — or your compatibility with them — however you want.
That’s OK, for the most part. Dreams are fun.
It becomes a problem if your thoughts are intrusive or making you miserable. More people have been asking me about “limerence,” which involves obsessive thinking and longing. I can’t tell if your crushes are light and casual or if you’re staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night because you’re painfully enamored with someone who doesn’t reciprocate.
Consider how much time you spend fixed on people you’ll never date. Maybe you need more professional guidance to help you shift your focus.
Remember that you got to know your engaged co-worker — and, to some extent, those fictional book characters and celebrities — over time. You learned about them over days. Weeks. Chapters.
Someone might pique your interest on a second date. It helps to get there.
Last thought: Can you date your brother’s friend? That one seems like the closest to real life.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
If you’re serious about no longer being single, you already know what you need to do: 1. Set a clear boundary that you’ll only take time with available people/no one in a current relationship, and 2. Ask the right questions to pique your interest. Nothing is off limits. Once you get the available men to open up you should find out that everyone has depth if you’re willing to dig for it.
LETTUCES
This used to be me too. At some point I realized that when I interacted with someone I saw as a potential date, it felt very different from when I was interacting with someone who I knew was unavailable. I shifted my mind-set and put myself in more situations where I was just having fun and meeting new people with no particular end goal, and it helped a lot. In other words, instead of trying to force yourself to be attracted to available people, try tricking yourself into thinking the people you’re meeting are unavailable.
USERNAMEANDPASSWORD
Nothing wrong with a fantasy crush like a celeb, but they shouldn’t be at the expense of dating anyone at all. Do available men ask you out and you say no? Meredith is right; go see a therapist to understand why you are avoiding reality. My guess is you don’t have a strong foundation of self-confidence and fear rejection. Do this now before you waste any more time in la la land.
LUPELOVE
Fantasies and crushes are way easier than the real thing.
WIZEN
Crushes at a young age are all well and good, but if they’re preventing you from meeting people in real life and developing real relationships, you should seek professional help. As Meredith said: You’re living in fantasy, not reality, and that isn’t a recipe for good mental health. P.S. Meredith didn’t share that she’s still hung up on Robert Pattinson.
PENSEUSE
I get it, I am still holding out hope for Tom Selleck!
LEFTYLUCY7
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.