How much would you pay for a check-up from Dr. Robby?
At the Hollywood Bowl Thursday night, two fans donated $18,000 each for a “physical” in front of nearly 18,000 people from “The Pitt’s” favorite attending physician.
Noah Wyle suited up as Dr. Robby — basically just a zip-up hoodie, stethoscope and latex gloves — at Night of Too Many Stars, a comedy variety show hosted by Jon Stewart with an auction benefiting Next for Autism. The show was part of the Netflix Is a Joke festival.
“I am going to give one lucky bidder a physical examination,” Wyle said, drawing cheers from the massive audience.
“Your own physical from Noah Wyle!” Stewart added. “It could include anything — prostate! You don’t know! It’s a realistic program!”
With the help of a professional auctioneer, the bidding started at $2,000 before climbing up to $18,000. “It still costs less than getting it at Cedars-Sinai, c’mon!” Stewart quipped. Finally, the comedian offered a physical from Wyle to each of the two women bidding against each other, bringing the total amount to $36,000.
“Before we begin, you are not on any opiates, not taking any muscle relaxers, no benzos?” Wyle asked his first patient. “No? OK, because [Johnny] Knoxville was looking to get some.” (Knoxville came out earlier in the night wearing a giant cast on his genitals due to an “injury” on the upcoming “Jackass 5.”)
Taking a penlight to the woman’s eyes, Wyle quipped, “Your pupils are a little bit dilated, but that is understandable given you just spend [$18,000] on a physical administered by an actor.”
Jon Stewart and Noah Wyle at Night of Too Many Stars
Netflix
Given Wyle’s years of playing a doctor on “ER” and now “The Pitt,” Stewart asked him how much medical knowledge he really has.
“Let’s be clear, I play an emergency room physician on television, but I am not a real hero,” Wyle said. “The real heroes are the ones who negotiate my contracts.”
Wyle listened to the two women’s breathing and administered a reflex test on their knees. “We actually have a short mental cognition test,” Wyle added. “Do you remember when Trump said that he aced one? Did you believe him?” When the women shook their heads no, he added, “You both passed the cognition test!”
Later, Sarah Silverman joined the stage and fawned over Wyle, doing a bit about pleasuring herself while watching “The Pitt.”
“It’s not that I’m embarrassed about masturbating while watching you,” she said to Wyle. “It’s that I was masturbating while watching you attach a foot. But, I mean, the heart wants what it wants.”
Elsewhere in the night, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Stewart, clad in red and white outfits, performed as “The Very White Stripes,” opening the show with “Seven Nation Army” and “We’re Going to Be Friends” with O’Brien on guitar and vocals, Kimmel on the bass clarinet and Stewart on drums. “Love on the Spectrum” star Abbey Romeo also joined on vocals.
The show featured stand-up sets from Nikki Glaser, Bill Burr, John Mulaney, Ron Funches and more. It wasn’t all family fun: Ali Wong went into graphic detail in a bit about having sex with elderly men, and Matt Rife’s set — largely focused on his experience going to a sex show in Amsterdam — was so raunchy it caused a mom to escort three tween kids out of the show early.
Night of Too Many Stars was created by “Saturday Night Live” and “Conan” alum Robert Smigel and his wife Michelle Smigel, who both serve on the board of directors for Next for Autism. The funds raised during the auction — which also included a Dodgers game with Jason Bateman that sold for $38,000 — will benefit autism programs nationwide.