RIP Mustache | New York’s Wettest Hour | Military AI | Who Stole Beyoncé’s Hard Drives?

RIP Mustache | New York’s Wettest Hour | Military AI | Who Stole Beyoncé’s Hard Drives?

Welcome one and all to the Late Show. I am your host, Steven Colbear. Ladies and gentlemen, please, please, friends at home, do not adjust your television set. Your eyes do not deceive you. Earlier today in a pay-per-view event, I shaved off my mustache and said farewell to my vacation alter ego, Mr. Steven. [Applause] It was Mr. Mr. Steven was just too beautiful for this world. Also, also HR got involved. Apparently, it’s it’s an OSHA violation to be that sexy at work. What else? What else? Uh what else is happening about me? Oh, The Late Show got nominated for an Emmy today. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t Thank you, friends. I don’t I don’t know what makes me more nervous, seeing if we can bring back some gold or seeing if I still fit into my tuxedo. want to thank uh thank uh thanks to the Academy for the nomination and a special thanks to everyone who works so hard on the show especially the writers of this show who every night every night bring it rain or shine your hard work and brilliance has made this nomination possible. Our fellow nominees are the Daily Show and Jimmy Kimmel Live. But the real winner will be my manager, James Baby Doll Dixon, who happens to represent me, Jimmy, and John Stewart. So, so no matter no matter who wins, he will be spending the night with two losers. Anyway, see you guys there. The Emmy nomination isn’t the only reason I’m feeling good. Uh, I’m also feeling happy cuz last night’s torrential rains are over and New York City is no longer flooded, you guys. Yep. Yeah. The waters have receded and miraculously God spared two of every rat of every That technically means there’s twice as many rats. Wow. Yesterday, New York and New Jersey got slammed with thunderstorms and flash floods. Between 7 and 8:00 p.m., New York City experienced its second wetest hour on record. The wetest hour was when Jeremy Allen White appeared on this billboard in Soho. Also, also also broke some heat records. The city’s emergency management department issued a warning to residents telling people who live in basement apartments to be ready to move to higher ground. To which landlords said, “What basement apartment? This is this is a sundrenched garden unit with a kitchen toilet minus the sun garden and kitchen.” Just look what happened to the Lincoln Square movie theater just north of here. That was either from the torrential rain or someone in the theater above spilled one large diet coke. That’s very good. The popcorn. Folks in the subways got caught in the flood. Uh here’s one train conductor trying to keep the mood light. Oh man, I might need a diaper. Wow, that’s fun. That’s fun. But also now the intercoms work. Oh, the sound system is perfectly tuned when it’s when it’s open mic night on the uptown one. But when they’re delay when there’s a delay, it’s always like Next stop, Lakeland Kakama. Rain also commuted over to to New Jersey for a bit in North Planefield. A whole dumpster was spotted floating down the street. I got to say, the new Cyber Truck looks pretty cool. Yesterday, Trump joined religious leaders for something called a faith lunchon where the president showed that he understands his audience. You’re very much uh into God in this room and it’s very nice. Everybody Everybody’s got their thing. I guess you folks you folks love the the guy in the sky with the magic beantock. I’m uh I’m more into golf and many people are saying Jeffrey Epstein now. Now, Trump also spoke about how his big new beautiful bill will help some of God’s most cherished creatures, ugly rich dudes with hot wives. I said to one guy, he’s a very very unattractive man, but he’s he’s smart and he’s rich. And I said, ‘You better hope we get this thing passed cuz your wife will be gone within about 2 minutes. He he he said, “You’re right.” It’s like, no, it’s true. It’s like that Disney movie where the hot girl meets a hideous beast, but she loves him cuz he’s got a luxurious castle where she can just sit back and watch a candle have sex with a little broom. [Laughter] Tail is all this time. A long pause. Trump got elected last year by making two promises. Racism and bringing down inflation using racism. So far, so far not so great because thanks in part to Trump’s tariffs, today we learned that in June inflation went up almost 3%. And it’s it could it could be about to get worse because Trump just threatened that starting in August he’s slapping a 30% tariff on European goods. Yeah. No more no more no more European goods. Now we’ll have to settle for European bads. I’m looking at you toilet with two buttons. Why? I’m just pushing them both. I’m launching missiles in there. Why, too? Do we have to synchronize our key turns to flush the toilet? Specifically, these tariffs could increase prices of things like French cheese, Italian leather goods, German electronics, and Spanish pharmaceuticals. Spanish pharmaceuticals. But we can’t lose lasas. I go I fly all the way to Barcelona for my than my my van. Wine makers are especially anxious because as one pointed out the 30% tariff on wine would be virtually an embargo on 80% of Italian wine. That’s that’s 80%. They’re going to they’re going to need to update that scene from Silence of the Lambs. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Mike’s hard lemonade. That’ be good though. Where the fava bean the citrus? Oh, where am I going? It’s not just across the pond. Uh, it’s also cost the Rio Grand because the US is imposing a 17% duty on fresh Mexican tomatoes in an effort to rebuild the shrinking US tomato industry. In other words, when it comes to tomatoes, the US is trying to catch up. This is terrible news because Mexican tomatoes are vine ripened while their US competitors from Texas and Florida are mostly picked while still bright green and rock hard. And then they turn pink by spending several days or more in a room filled with ethylene gas. Yeah, that’s why down in Florida you can buy one of those novelty t-shirts. I like my men like my tomatoes rockh hard and full of gas. Wow. Speaking uh speaking of chemical stimulants, Elon Musk Musk uh he he may officially be out of the White House, but he’s still getting government contracts. We just learned that the Defense Department will begin using Grock Musk’s artificial intelligence chatbot. No, you can’t let an evil AI into the department that controls our nukes. Haven’t you seen the new Mission Impossible? Once the entity is inside, the only way to prevent global annihilation is for Tom Cruz to take his shirt off inside a submarine. [Applause] [Laughter] That’s why he took his shirt off. What you just did is why he took his shirt off. This is especially questionable because just last week, Musk’s AI, it went rogue on Twitter, going on anti-Semitic rants and referring to itself as Mecca Hitler. Yeah. Which must have been particularly upsetting to Elon because Mecca Hitler was going to be the name of his next kid. But that it’s not pronounced that. That’s how it’s spelled. But if it makes you feel any safer, the military won’t be using only Elon’s Nazi bot because the the the DoD announced it also gave similar contracts to AI programs run by Google, Anthropic, and Open AI. This is such a bad idea. So far, the only thing AI has been really consistently good at is producing perfectly crispy homemade French fries with a fraction of the oil. Wait, that’s an air fryer. Still waiting on AI. We’re still waiting. We’re still waiting on AI to be useful. Uh, in more tech news, uh, hard drives with Beyonce’s unreleased music were stolen in Atlanta. Atlanta police. Yeah. It’s sad, isn’t it? Atlanta police say they have no suspects, so there’s no way of knowing who stole Beyonce’s songs. Uh, totally unrelated. Was that you, man? Was that you? Lift your head up. Can we get a shot of this woman? Can we Can we Can we get a shot of this woman? She took that hard. Ma’am, you took that really hard. Are you really upset? That’s motherred. That’s mother. That is mother. It is motherred. That is motherthered. I’d go so far as to say boots king. Now, I don’t know what any of what we just said means. Anyway, totally unrelated. Someone get that woman a thx. Totally unrelated. I don’t know. I don’t know. Totally unrelated. I’m excited to announce my new album. I am Steven Fierce. I’ve got a great show here tonight and so did me. Comedian me stalter is here. But when we come back, I sit down with Phoenix. Stick around. [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

Stephen Colbert is officially mustache-free, New York and New Jersey got inundated with rainfall on Monday night, the Department of Defense will soon begin using Elon Musk’s AI chatbot, and Atlanta police have no suspects in the theft of hard drives containing Beyoncé’s unreleased music.

#Colbert #Comedy #Monologue #Grok #Beyoncé #DepartmentofDefense #Flooding #NewYork #NewJersey #StephenColbert #TheLateShow

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Stephen Colbert brings his signature satire and comedy to THE LATE SHOW with STEPHEN COLBERT, the #1 show in late night, where he talks with an eclectic mix of guests about what is new and relevant in the worlds of politics, entertainment, business, music, technology and more. Featuring bandleader Louis Cato and “THE LATE SHOW band,” the Peabody Award-winning and Emmy Award-nominated show is broadcast from the historic Ed Sullivan Theater. Stephen Colbert took over as host, executive producer and writer of THE LATE SHOW on Sept. 8, 2015.