Hacks
No New Tricks
Season 5
Episode 3
Editor’s Rating
5 stars
*****
Our girls get hyped up for their dates with an international rock star and a sex worker.
Photo: HBO Max
I know that, these days, our half-hour prestige comedies are more about big-season arcs and less about little one-off adventures, but I like when we can go back to the sitcom-y start of it all and get an episode that does a comedy classic: to allow our stars to think that, for a moment, some core part of their lives could change, only to have them wind up basically where they started and maybe a liiiiiittle bit wiser for the road ahead of them.
Foretelling her upcoming romantic tryst, Deborah wears what I deem a Queen of Hearts ensemble — she calls it an “ace in the hole” showgirl fit that conveys that she is a “timeless, humble sex icon,” which is what I aspire to be when I grow up as well — to a party at the Palmetto. The event is to celebrate their new artist-in-residence, Nico Hayes (The Summer I Turned Pretty “Connie Baby” Christopher Briney). Nico is referred to by Ava as “an international rock star,” and I hate to be a bitch about this, but we simply aren’t making international rock stars anymore; I would buy “pop star,” however, in the Harry Styles mold.
Next week is set to have an even bigger event: Marty is getting married! Again! He thinks it “might” be his last wedding, to which Deborah replies, “Nothing says love like a subjunctive verb.” I love the Marty-Deborah dynamic; despite their cattiness, I really believe that they always want the best for each other — a rare thing in Deborah’s circles. (Remember he offered to put Deborah up in his Hawaiian property at the end of last season, before she detoured to Singapore.) For now, though, the girls are having meet-cutes: Ava reaches for the same cheeseburger slider as a hot guy who, to her absolute delight, is a sex worker (nothing like an opportunity to prove she’s game to live her politics!), while Deborah is summoned to a VIP area to meet Nico, a fellow Lancôme ambassador and a self-professed “huge fan” of hers. Her residency is what inspired his residency. He thinks she’s an icon!
I think it’s so funny how famous people truly cannot — or will not — do anything for themselves. Being a celebrity is like being a toddler forever. That’s why they’re all like that! Case in point: Rather than ask Deborah for her number in person, Nico had his publicist call Jimmy, who calls Deborah to say that Nico would love to take her out for dinner. No pressure, but “people are calling you guys ‘Nicorah,’” he tells her. Deborah is too jaded to even consider the possibility that Nico’s invite is genuinely romantic; she immediately assesses the situation as a shrewd PR stunt, and, of course, she’s on board. (Jimmy: “You know what I always say: Stars — they’re just like each other.”)
I enjoyed watching both of our girls get hyped up for their dates — especially Deborah’s escalating giddiness once she discovers, post-date, that Nico was genuinely into her, even though I knew in my heart their glory would be short-lived. I can’t imagine our show would distract these two for long from their real love story (each other) so close to the end of the series.
For Ava, the thrill of a date with a man — maybe she’ll get killed! Has she been listening to that murder podcast with the MSG show? — is enough to get her turned on, though not enough to stop her from dressing like a sad mechanic. In my notes I write, “PLEASE, change your clothes, you’re embarrassing me!!!” She still manages to really spark with this guy and spends the night making out with him. Good for her!
Meanwhile, Deborah preps for what she thinks is a stunt date by calling in her favorite paparazzo and arrives to discover that she and Nico have, like, soooo much in common! Nico has been betrayed by loved ones from day one (his dad sold his homecoming photos to E! So sad! Fame is a curse!) and swears he knew those stories about Deborah’s “breakdown” were bullshit. He, too, came to Vegas alone to make it in show business. Deborah, suitably impressed, lets this fine young man make out with her at the restaurant. I died at Deborah’s faux-dramatic horror at the sight of the paparazzi, which she literally called, outside the restaurant. Her over-the-shoulder good-bye shot? The pawing at Nico’s chest as she cries, “I need SPACE!” Perfection.
I have often wondered if Deborah is even capable of having a relationship that is not also, in some way, a transaction. As you may recall, every guest at Ava’s birthday party, save for Ava’s family and sort-of-friend Jenny, was someone on Deborah’s payroll. Ava, her “best friend,” is also in her employ. Even before the Nico situation collapses in an inevitable fashion, it’s clear that they are a mismatch — not in a problematic age-gap way (it’s cool to see women in male-dominated fields!!) — but in a deeper, values-driven way. The pure, private life that Nico wants is, as far as I can tell, not at all appealing to Deborah.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves: Deborah returns from the date to shriek and giggle with Ava about kissing and having inside jokes already and bringing their hot dates to Marty’s wedding. (Nico’s response to Deborah’s late-night invite — “Can I wear white?” — would absolutely have worked on me, so congratulations to Nico. A man who can text!) Deborah calls Marty in the middle of the night to secure these plus-ones. The next day, while rocking out to her boyfriend’s album, she gets a visit from Marcus. He wants to buy the Paradiso, one of the only historic casinos left in Vegas, and turn it into something like the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs. Deborah’s cold-hearted business advice is that it’s too big a risk.
Then she flits away for her second date with Nico, who bought out a whole restaurant so they could be free to “you know … whatever.” I loooove to you know, whatever!!! But it all comes crashing down when the paparazzi out Deborah for having called them on her. Nico dumps her in a fantastically cruel and humiliating way: by kicking her out of his car in front of this phalanx of press. This reminds me of the great Nora Ephron line about never marrying someone you wouldn’t want to be divorced from. I’m sorry I was ever rooting for this child! He will not be attending the wedding, and Deborah will not be allowed to retouch any of these photos.
Ava’s night is also taking a turn. In a postcoital convo, basking in the glow of a job well done by a true professional, Ava finds out that her paramour is not only a sex worker (that’s just what pays the bills); he’s really a magician. Worse: He is a bad magician. When he said, “Let me show you a trick,” I said, out loud, “Oh NO,” and I continued to say “Oh NO” to my screen when I saw that Deborah was spending the day after getting dumped sending an ungodly number of texts to Nico.
Ava and Deborah get in a very funny slapstick battle over Deborah’s phone, which Ava does ultimately win. She reports that Nico has blocked Deborah, meaning she’s attending the wedding alone. Ava is there as well, and I assumed the embarrassing thing for her would be her date running into a client, which does happen, but it’s not the embarrassing thing — his extremely satisfied customer, Mayor Jo, is all too happy to see Ava is also enjoying this “artist.” Instead, two worse things happen (I will let you be the judge of which one is the worst worse thing): (1) As Marty’s bride, actually age-appropriate Victoria, is walking down the aisle, the FBI burst in to report that she is Eleanor, not Victoria, and that she is under arrest for fraud, and (2) Ava’s date, indignant that Ava is mortified by his commitment to magic, dumps her and quits the sex work at which he excels to pursue magic full-time.
Deborah finds Marty hanging his head in shame. She is kind to him and he immediately pivots to proposing. While it’s very nice that he knows her middle name, she swiftly and tenderly rejects him. She says something sweet about how it is a gift to be their age and still take the risks that can get your heart broken. She offers Marty an AARP twist on a classic vow: If they’re both still single when they’re 100, she’ll marry him.
Off this pep talk, Deborah finds Marcus and tells him to do the Paradiso after all. She’ll pitch in! She misses working together; they could be partners. She even offers to be a silent investor, to which I say: Deborah, silent? Ooookay, I’ll believe that when I hear it, but I’m excited for this development! A new home for Deborah’s next residency, perhaps?
Apparently two dates and a (honestly, very understandable) misreading on Deborah’s part was enough to inspire Nico to write a song called “Funny Girl,” which includes the lyric “Funny how you lie so easily,” and it’s not not like a less-catchy version of “Such a Funny Way,” but Deborah probably didn’t listen to Man’s Best Friend (Bonus Track Version), so she does not make this connection. Instead she is horrified that only one side of the story is getting out, and it’s the one with a fan base that is calling her “chopped.” Fortunately, Ava can see this situation for what it really is: excellent promo for the Madison Square Garden show.
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